How to Resolve (nearly) Any Argument
Resolve arguments with your co-founder, spouse, children, coworkers and parents!
Imagine this scenario: your spouse wants to quit their well-paying job. You aren’t eager for the disruption this could cause in your family. Neither side understands the other and an argument erupts.
On the surface it might appear to be a trivial issue, but underneath the surface, each partner is probably trying to prevent a specific fear.
As soon as you notice the argument erupting, take a minute and follow these steps.
Part 1
Pause the argument
I like to literally hold my hands up, scoot my head to the left like I’m breaking the 4th wall and say “Can we pause for a second?”
This helps remind us that we are in control over the pace of the argument. It is not in control of us.
Invite your partner to discuss what fears they’re trying to prevent in this argument
Genuinely listen to what they say, and try not to interrupt.
Just showing that you’re hearing them out will go a long way to a gentle conclusion.
With some gentle questioning, your spouse might be able to admit:
“I’m afraid you don’t want me to quit my job because you think I’m a bad provider and don’t trust me to provide for us with a new job”
Aha, now you can see why they’re being stubborn in the argument. You might want to mentally bookmark this so that it’s easier to recognize next time.
Take a minute and empathize with their fear. At this point you’re not trying to solve anything. Begin to understand the lens they’re using to view the argument.
Share your fear as well
After you begin to understand the lens they’re using, gently share your own lens.
"I'm afraid you're not listening to me because you think my needs are not important."
Mentally bookmark this as well so that it’s easier for you to recognize the next time it pops up.
At this point you’re still not trying to solve anything. You’re both just laying out all the cards on the table. This is vulnerable. Sometimes my husband and I like to say “Please keep this in the marriage bubble” which we both understand is a sacred space. Anything that goes into the marriage bubble doesn’t get thrown around in future arguments.
Part 2
Ask your partner what outcomes they’re trying to achieve or avoid
There could be any number of reasons why your partner wants to quit their job. Don’t assume you already know.
You may need to ask some gentle questions to get down to the actual outcome they desire. In this scenario we’ll say it’s because they want to switch industries.
Share the outcomes you want to achieve or avoid
Maybe you’ve been arguing that they shouldn’t leave their job because you’re afraid to go without their salary for however long it takes to get a new job. Switching industries can be tricky and sometimes requires a step down in salary. This is important information to discuss.
Whatever the reason is, it’s so valuable to lay it out on the table for you both to see.
Raise possible solutions that answer both partners’ fears and desired outcomes
Sometimes a solution to the argument won’t be immediately available. But once all the cards are on the table, you might be able to land on some short-term solutions you’re both comfortable with.
Work together to identify the middle path forward that accounts for both of your fears and desired outcomes.
In this scenario maybe you ask your spouse to wait to quit until you two have a certain amount saved in an emergency fund. That will temporarily solve your fears of them losing their salary. While saving up the emergency fund, you might suggest your spouse begin interviewing for jobs in the new industry to get a head start on the switch.
Keep the line of communication open over time
Continue to iterate on the possible solutions until you arrive at the one you both feel comfortable with. Where you both feel heard and secure, and can tackle the issue like the team that you are.
If at any point you feel the argument starting over again, pause and ask again if the fears or outcomes have changed, and then gently continue from there.
Bonus
The more often you and your spouse cooperate in laying out the cards and searching for the middle path, the easier it gets to trust each other. Eventually you can solve arguments before they even happen.
My husband and I are actually achieving this!
Contact me for a free consultation on how Enneagram coaching can help you and your spouse resolve arguments better.